A little birdie told me you were doing coke in the toilets

 Sometimes I feel a bit like Simon Cowell when I look for a boyfriend - I want them to have the X-factor. It can’t really be defined what the X-factor is, but everyone knows what it is. 

When it comes to relationships, I am completely aware I have been brainwashed by years of watching Rom-Coms, and I think it’s become worse with the introduction of Netflix, NowTV and Amazon Prime being so readily available.

 

Whenever I had an argument with a boyfriend, I knew I was 3 clicks away from being fully immersed into an American blockbuster where the life of the female lead’s life is going a bit tits up (which is my life most of the time) but then they meet someone and they live happily ever after. 

 

I read that rom-coms are the female equivalent of men watching porn - both don’t reflect reality very well and both genders then have a higher expectation of love or sex than we should. 

 

But, when it comes to finding the right person - you do want someone that ticks most of the boxes that you set - whether that’s them being funny, trustworthy or drop-dead gorgeous. I think we all look for slightly different things when it comes to finding ‘the one’ - which is why there is no such thing as the perfect man or woman, and also why some people are obsessed with Paul Hollywood but he makes my skin crawl. 

 

When I was 18 - I got a drunken Facebook message from a guy I went to school with, I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since I was about 15 and it was probably at a drunken house party. 

 

The message would have put F.Scott Fitzgerald romance novels to shame. It said: 

“Hi” 

 

But although there was nothing else, all I took from that message was - he was thinking of me when he was drunk at 3am and that made me feel good. 

 

I didn’t reply because my smug-self fell back to sleep. When I woke up that morning, he must have been consumed by a hangover and regret that I’d read the message and not replied and had already sent me an apology. 

 

I didn’t think he needed to apologise - so I let him know that. 

 

We started messaging and I realised although I’d never taken an interest to him at school, he was making me laugh and I really liked that… but there was still one problem - he didn’t have the X-factor (to me) - I can’t explain what that was but it wasn’t there. 

I thought maybe I was being unfair - so I decided to put my preconceptions behind me and when he asked me out I said yes - on the condition that it wasn’t a fancy dinner out. 

 

We agreed on Top Golf in Watford. If you don’t know what Top Golf is - it sounds shit, but I can assure you it’s amazing. It’s a golf driving range - you scan your golf ball through a machine and then aim the ball into coloured targets in the ground. It’s a really fun place to have a few drinks and get competitive - without feeling like you’re 12 and at the local bowling alley. 

 

We had to drive about 35 minutes to get there, some awkward but ok conversation took over - but I was still aware we were quite different people. 

 

We get to the desk, and I whip out my membership card - they ask him for his card and he says he lost it. They say they can still find him on the system and ask for his name and postcode. 

 

The staff member suddenly becomes very hesitant and asks if we can wait a moment and scurries off - and comes back with the manager. 

 

For fuck's sake. 

 

The manager asked him to confirm his name and postcode again which he does… and then says “You know you’re not allowed to be here. I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

 

There wasn’t even a courtesy ‘Sir’ chucked into that sentence so I knew it was bad. I was ready to run out of the door as I hate confrontation, but my wonderful companion appeared to. 

 

“Why?” he asked, as I was internally hoping the ground would swallow me whole and selfishly hoping this wouldn’t affect me if I ever wanted to return to Top Golf. 

 

“Because last time you were here you were caught snorting cocaine in the toilets.”

 

Brilliant. Just what you want to hear on a first date. 

 

He stopped arguing back and we got escorted off the premises. I felt too bad to say “I just want to go home now because I can’t imagine our future children asking about our first date and I would have to confess we were booted out of Top Golf for daddy doing class A drugs.” so when he said “Shall we go to the cinema instead?” I just said yes and hoped that he hadn’t taken any opiates in an Odeon. 

 

We went to see Mad Max instead - and the film was a perfect reflection of the general date - confusing, action-packed and a bit shit.